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Nov 30, 2004
long time....

wow..its been a long time since ive made an entry..bout a year id say...i guess after a while it just got hard reliving the pain again and again...if that makes any sense...well here i am now..i have my own
place..not in NC tho...i live with john...and once again things are just as confusing as they were before
i never no how to feel...i feel one way but no that i should try to feel another way....i still have these sreams of a man that just truly loves me for who i am....and thinks i am beautiful inside and out..im so insecure...especially when it comes to john...i want him to want me....yes sexually...im not sure how i feel about sex..being almost 19 and and having a bf for over 2 years and never had it..he is the first
one to ddl porn behinf my back after ive asked him many times not to..and he has seen how it has hurt me...and yet he still does it...and i could be lying naked beside him and he not even notice me..
and ive tried to put it aside..b/c im not sure im even ready for sex...but he doesnt even touch me like that or acknowledge the signs im putting out..i love him so much...and sometimes i feel like i just want to be closer to him in that way..just to feel his skin on mine...to have passion in our relationship...but
he would rather watch naked women with big breasts give guys blow jobs...which i can understand..because as hard as i try...i will never have big breasts..at least not without plastic surgery
and i will never be as beautiful and worshiped like he does them...still i dont think it would hurt me as much if he at least wanted me too...he doesnt understand why i get so upset..to him its just something
to get off on...but i feel cheated...because he wants the image of them and not me..and i dont want that to hurt....but it does...terribly inside..i feel like nothing..shitty..worthless..and the thoughts dont subside....i just keep asking myself whats wrong with me...and how come im not good enuff...i guess ill never know..he thinks it isnt a big deal but what if i masterbated over other men...and everytime he tried to be playful and get the smallest bit close to him i just turned around and went to sleep...im not even the type that wants sex which is why it hurts the most..i just want to feel beautiful and wanted..simple as that...thats what every girl wants truly..to feel beautigul and wanted by the guy she adores...its so cliche to say that i want to feel like a princess....but its true....no women grows up thinking i want to be a housewife..or i want my man to hit me...or cheat on me...or shit on me....and if they did...id def. blame the upbringing...it doesnt even have to be magical....i just need to know that life isnt all going to be like this...i need to know that there is always someone there when i need them...someone to keep me warm when im cold..to wipe the tears when i cry and not walk away..to not have to beg someone not to leave..b/c that just makes me feel like a coward and weak and makes me grow to hate the person ive become more each day....someone to hold my hand when im scared.....someone i can trust completely and let everything inside of me come out and be seen...to not be afraid to let someone know me completely because i m afraid of being hurt..to let everything out in the open and not have to hold back..to not be afraid that if it ended everything would be bitter and scornful..i dont think i want to have sex..becasue im afraid...because i dont trust him completely deep down....and im afraid that my virginity is my pride and it belongs to me and know one can take it away..i feel like if i were to give it to someone they would own a part of me...an imprisonment of sorts...i dont understand me..i think im as julia roberts said in runaway bride..and i quote. "totally and completely irreversibly screwed up" and i will conclude with that quote...nite apple


Posted at 08:29 pm by warpeddreamer
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Feb 9, 2004
more thoughts

i havent writtten as of late for one particular reason...and that is that i needed to decide whether i really wanted to have a journal that i could refer back to...mostly because i only write when its something bad and who really wants to remember the bad things in life..but ive come to the conclusion that keeping a log of my thoughts might be helpful...thus here i am.......and this entry   of my life has begun................

I truly am apalled by the people around me...its strange how others can look around them and think differently, mostly because they belong to a culture of idiots.....tonite at work...ericka just eats to much..tho i prolly only make fun of her because of my own insecurity about my weight..which i just cant seem to control...i wish i were skinny ..and perhaps one day i will be...but that day..just isnt today.....lance...i dont know wheteher he really had a fucked up past and was abused as a child or whether he just likes the attention when he tells people he was....either way he gets on my nerves with the pervasive sexual connotation everynight....one of these days ill probably just end up knocking him out........debbie...im sorry...but she just gets on my nerves...she smells disgusting ....shes not even dead yet and she looks like rigor mortis has already begun its process of decay and rot.....i look at her life as well as the two others i mention before and i think what a waste...of life that is...sometimes the thought waste of space pops into my head...but i dont really believe that..but i do believe that each and everyone of them controls their own future and right now two of them are in the process of destroying it while the other one has that task fully accomplished at the rightful age of 49....dont get me wrong...debbie is a sweet woman and i appreciate it when she brings me things such as gummi bears..but i cant help but think that she does it..because she needs to feel gratuitous and needed and appreciated in some shape or form, even if it comes from something as minute as giving gummi bears to a pompous brat such as myself....other people such as jeremy...im aure someday will do something with their lives..but for the most part..he just annoyos me....klimis on the other hand....annoys me sometimes...but other times he has been there for me...as a shoulder to cry on...hes wiped away my tears...something john has never done.....i think klimis is self-centered...and can forget about others feelings...but i also think that he is a smart guy and i have to given credit becasue he was the one person who was there when i  needed someone even if it  was out of pity and sympathy for me..............now a days tho when i need someone no one is there..it gets kinda lonely and frustrating at times...but someties i like it..its like....no one knows who i  really am....i laugh when people say they have me figured out....it takes more than a few hours of talking to figure me out...icea .....i feel sympathy for her because of danny..but she gets what she deserves..when it comes to treating people bad....she is annoying at times...and i suppose lance was right in saying she is selfcentered...but so is the rest of the worold....and now i get to bill..he is just annoying..not a jeremy annoying...but like a someone who is wuiet all  the time and thinks themselves better then the rest annoying...i think that by not saying anything and acting with  body language like he is better than everyone he thinks that somehow he is being delf dignified when really he is just showing his ignorance....i wish i could tell everyone what i think of them and that they need to grow up and get real jobs and do something productive with their lives..but i wont...andi will move on and far away from this place and make a life for myself.....next topic john..i love him..i love being close to him..feeling his skin next to me..its a warmth...that just makes me feel safe and like i can finally sleep in peace..of course i cant sleep cuz i have to get home cuz of my parents....i know he loves me too..andi think i spend so much time trying to make our relationship perfect when nothing is.....i want him to get a job other than mcds..i want him to go to school........but that will come hopefully..for his sake..cuz he really is intelligent and could do something great with his life...i have a confession tho...and that is that i would feel embarassed if i was a surgeon and my husband worked at mcds or had no further education..i know this sounds terrible and i feel bad for thinking it...but i cant help it..oh well...till next time

Posted at 03:56 am by warpeddreamer
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Feb 2, 2004
shitty

so right now i feel...isignificant..unimportant and just angry and like all i want in this world is to be left alone...to not say a word to anyone else....to forget that john even exists...why do i keep fooling myself into thinking that he might possibly give a fuck about me...im just tired of it all...tired of caring so much..tired of crying about him...tired of giving a fuck..i would do anything for him...i would be there when he is sick..cancel all of my plans just to be with him and comfort him...but him..no he just blows me off to go hang out with his friends...it happens all of the time......i never see him anymore...and none of it matters...i just want it to all be over and i just want to go to NC and get away from him and any other memory i have of the past 18 years of my life...i want a clean slate...i want to know no one...i want to just keep to myself and study stuff...sometimes....i really hate you john...i really really do..there has never been anyone in my life who has made me feel this shitty, and this low about my self and just like i dont matter...i wish you would just break up with me...im ao tired of fighting with you and never being able to tell you how i feel and just keeping it all bottled up inside...i hate that i love you...b/c in my heart..i know that you dont love me...if you love someone you dont treat them like this.........

Posted at 08:48 am by warpeddreamer
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Feb 1, 2004
life sucks

errrrr..did this work

Posted at 08:09 am by warpeddreamer
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Jan 29, 2004
all i want is you...

work...is work...i wonder a lot of things sometimes...i wonder about people and their intentions and i wonder what goes on in their minds..i wonder if john even really cares or cared about me in the first place...sometimes i just feel like a little kid...and all i want is a hand to hold and arms to fall into...but alas...i dont think im supposed to be with someone..i wish i were void of emotion..i wish life got easier..but it just gets more confusing..i dont feel good enuff for anyone..i feel overweight and ugly and like i have nothing to offer anyone in this world....i just want a guy who can look at me and smile and see  the good in things...and want to take my hurt away and wipe away the tears when i cry....i want someone to make me feel important...not someone who stares at every pretty girl that passes..i want someone to respect me....and make me laugh while i cry.....i want someone to really know me..and understand how i feel inside....i dont just want a relationship..but to really connect with someone....i want to feel pretty to him...but i guess....that will probably never happen...i just want someone to love me for me....

Posted at 04:57 pm by warpeddreamer
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thoughts

most of the time i feel like all i do is listen to other peoples problems...i truly wish there was someone to listen to mine....i feel so alone a lot of the time, and i feel like sometimes i wish i let more people into my life..but then other times i wish that i could just stay locked up in my  room for eternity...but there is so much i want to do with my life....so much i want to see...so much i want to accomplish......another dilemma at the moment is my bf...everyone is always saying that you should follow your heart...well ...my heart is confused for the moment...and im not sure what to do....i love him...but sometimes..i cant stand the person he is..i feel like our relationship is unbalanced and i get the shitty end of it...i can never say how i feel with out him getting mad..and then i get upset and then i feel like i cant go on and function normally until the situation is resolved...i have guy friends i would like to hang out with...but im to afraid of him finding out and it resulting in another fight....im moving soon...and i dont know if its best that he come with me..i want him to do something with his life besides work at a job he hates and isa dead end...not for me ..or for money..but for himself..cuz he is so much better than that...he is smart...and someone that i look up to..i dont know many people that i look up to..but thats what amazes me about him...and i hate that he isnt dong anything..and its only because he is scared of failing....but i know he wouldnt....but already so scared of not making it on my own and not having enuff money to live on...and if he is there..its someone besides myself that i have to worry about...i know that i need to figure out who i am....and i dont know if i can do that with someone else around..sometimes i feel like i need to truly be on my own for awhile..and just take care of myself before i can take care of another person...but i love him and imagine doing all of these wonderful things with him someday.....but on the other hand..what if i am just imagining all of this and he isnt right for me,....i mean truly he doesnt like anything that i like...we never go out and do anything...and i just feel like he has no idea who i am...and of what my dreams are in life...i dont know.,,,im just really confused...i wish i had the answers...and moreso...i wish i could talk to him about these things with out him getting angry..or us fighting....b/c fighting with him is the worst feeling in the world...it makes me question how much someone can really care if they can just look at you with cold eyes when your hurt and crying and all you really want is for him to hold you..and all he does is push you away...

Posted at 03:24 am by warpeddreamer
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